Life as a working mum? :p

Oh no did I promised to come back once a year? as a perfectionist? oh wait am I not perfectionist anymore? yessssssss once you had went through everything to deliver and take care of a new human being, your perfectionist will be gone! for good!

And soooo what happened for the past 2 years where I went missing?!?!

As the title suggests, obviously `working` + `being a mum` ? LOL

How could a perfectionist juggle between wanting to take care of a new born plus being continue to succeed at work? How is that even possible? What did I went through?

Oh no it is tons and tons and tons of mental struggle + endless sleepless nights + ghost know how many THREADS of ChatGPT + Gemini + DeepSeek chats + unimaginable incredible opening of my whole new brain LOL

Hmm does that mean I am a whole new person already? not that tiny little girl who always afraid of being dumped by her then ex boyfriend? xD (husband now SORRY!)

Yeah becoming a mum to take care of a new little creature will stripe you off every single excessive 恋爱脑 mindset that you have been having for past 10+ yearssssss, it is tested and proven and confirm legit xD

Okay far off topic already, lets get back to life ~

--------

Let's continue from end stage of Pregnancy~

The little naive me would have thought that I might be going into natural birth easily with epidural help xD After N research + thousand of xiaohongshu reading, anxiously waiting for the day to come ~

My EDD was supposed to be 4th March (near my birthday!) but Adler decided to kick his way to the world (did we named him Adler? OMG - and yes KaiXuan as well! )

Wait how did Adler and KaiXuan came together? Oh yes you can put what ever combination you want in the IC, the JPN officer will just have a glance and give u a pass~

Okay so on a lovely friday night after our dinner around 7pm, in the car driving back home, we joke about how the discount can also applied to after work hours (was written in the brochure of Delivery Package of SMCV), and since it is already past 37week by that time (to be exact 37+6), I tap the tummy gently and whisper "hello, i think you can come out tonight yo xD"

~THE DAY WHEN ADLER CAME~

A joke came to live! On the same night when I go to bed and trying to fall asleep, i feel a little tight on my big fat tummy, ignored and continue to sleep, around 3.20am I was awaken by this super strong tightness followed by a super strong kick! I heard a balloon popping sound O.O omg does my water just broken so easily by Adler's 1 strong kick?

I quickly shout "omg so many water coming out, 很多水很多水！", he quickly sprint to grab his phone and called doctor to explain our water breaking scenario, doctor said come to delivery room instantly now!

I was laying on the bed and started to get hyper anxious! Then he grabbed all the bags and necessity and there we go - to the hospital at around 3.35am xD In the car I started to feel contractions, which is around 7 mins apart, still fine I guess? a bit more like x2 period pain, but i keep on shivering everytime the contractions came!

~ DELIVERY or TRAUMA ~

Got to the hospital and took lift to 4th floor for Labour room xD Nurse check and I'm only 3cm dilated only, I heard 3cm and I quickly request for epidural knowing that I confirm cannot endure the pain that will come xD so the epidural was given at around 4cm opening xD and then a long wait proceeds ~ (just 1 or 2 hours la aiyo LOL)

Within the few hours my BP was spike so high until 160/100+ and had head dizziness! was given 2 pill for blood pressure! also given antibiotic for water breaking! 

Around 6.30am+ nurse asked when was my last meal o.O that's when I suspect i might not have natural birth xD 

then baby fell asleep! inform that I might need to go through Emergency C-Section because fetal is in distressed (a.k.a heart rate dropped), 

after a phone call where husband speak with doctor for c section confirmation, then they quickly prepare me to be go into Operation Theatre!

Everything went so quick, shaving, wearing gown, putting urine catheter & being pushed into OT! anesthesia doctor was right beside me walking into the OT and explain that he will just add on another injection to be allowed for c section!

What's interesting is, with Epidural (you will not feel pain, but you can feel when you move your legs, when your skin get touched and your body is being moved! you can feel it all! just without pain!) 

but with the half body anesthesia, you will feel totally nothing! (as if u don have legs!) even though you spam trying to move any parts of your lower body! nothing!

on the OT and the bed, I started to get more anxious again! my both hand was tied sideway opening like a T shape! I was shivering non stop ever since before arriving hospital, like keep shaking (probably went into panic attack!) but doctor kept on explaining it must be the side effect of the anesthesia!

Then I felt that i cannot feel my right hand, only left hand FINGERS can be felt! and only left hand FINGERS can move! how is that even possible haha! that makes me extra anxious too!

so at 7.42am, Adler is out! we heard his loud and strong crying sound LOL but cannot see his face clearly, doctor even took a photo at the exact timing he was pulled out from my tummy OMG (using husband's phone!) then baby is brought over to my face (yes right beside my face!) and had a first family photo! and ask me to confirm is this a girl or boy! then i say boy! LOL

Then,  pediatrician came and explain that baby is all good! 100 score for hearing! okay that was so much reassuring! and there it goes - a long wait of stitching ~ 

then i was moved to outside of OT, just a lounge i guess for monitoring ~ tik tok tik tok ~ time passed by and still complaining to nurse saying i cannot feel my right hands! only left hand! they must be going mad with me LOL why this patient is so anxious, just wait la aiyo!

lastly i was moved back to my wad but is a double room! next bed is noisy though with families! (we requested for single room but there is no available room yet)

then I was still shivering nonstop! and took a lot of medicine (antibiotic, gas eliminating meds, reduce anxious meds LOL)

baby was being brought in at 10am! but my anesthesia effects is still not subside yet! whole body is numb so I can only see him from side view and wait husband to show me photo on phone!

then my whole body is itchy until max! (is another side effect to anesthesia apparently LOL)

then lunch time! porridge! body started to feel like mine again! first is hand, then legs oh yeah I'm back to myself finally! and wound started to feel painful omg! luckily painkiller is there! requested and faster eat! LOL

everytime the nurse came into room then my body goes into this weird "shivering mode" nonstop until they went out LOL only when husband is in the room I stop shivering! what the fxxx is going on with my body? LOL

my brain feels like super scary because i cant seem to control my own body!

different nurse coming to check on me and I requested for any medication that can help shivering!

then doctor prescribed Dormicum! I quickly googled and it says for anxiety! omg I am having anxiety? LOL ofcourse you this hypersensitive perfectionist LOL

then slowly over the time i started to noticed the pattern, whenever i anxious (triggered by nurse/doctor visit) > my BP spikes >  then my body goes into shivering mode LOL

3pm baby is being brought in again, the new daddy still not dare to carry the baby yet LOL

then i sleep for ghost know how long with my parent nearby ~ husband back home to pack my most important VIP!

6.38pm brownie was being brought from home to hospital! yay finally my strongest safety bear is here! it helps to calm me down alot alot! sniffing brownie makes me shivering lesser! LOL

at night ghost know how i fell asleep, nurse was coming in frequently to check my BP and also send in meds!

DAY 2

on 7.44am, baby was brought in again, asked me to try breastfeeding O.O omg what?! try to latch and success (for once) but no milk came out after 15mins LOL (baby was probably angry already LOL)

8.15am the new daddy finally became brave to carry baby for the very first time! i quickly help him photoshoot LOL

next, after breakfast the urine tube was being removed, i was asked to get down bed to go pee O.O okay i know it sounds super scary for many of the c section mums, but surprisingly the pain is just okay for me to bare! perhaps i ate too many painkillers? LOL

I was able to get down, stand up and walk to bathroom and sit down to pee! but i notice i got painful prolapse of anus! omg okay it will be fine next few days, just ignore for now LOL

11am husband side families came! 

12pm lunch, super tasty!

1.49pm my parent & brother came!

4pm he back home to take items again!

felt like he was the one more tired and rushing and cant eat on time! 

then doctor came to check on me and assure me that i can discharge tomorrow! just ask me to relax!

7.20pm nurse came to inject 清血针 omg what is that LOL have to inject for 10 days consecutively at thigh? okay what's so painful u had a baby already LOL

at night also ghost know how i fell asleep LOL

baby was brought in at 10pm and 1am, kept on trying to latch but no milk LOL

DAY 3 - discharge day ~

7am baby came again, no success in latching ~ then a lactationist came to teach me at 11.43am lol finally success but omg it is painful! baby sucking super hard LOL

okay I prefer pumping xD

2pm doctor came to see wound and clean the wound + apply new waterproof plaster

not painful but my shivering mode is on again!

then she teaches me to do deep breathe whenever shivering starts, I tried and it works!

asked about anxiety and BP, she say no meds will be given yet, to visit her again in 1 week! to remove wound cover!

3pm start discharge process ~ went for first poop, success! doctor still give Duphalac for standby~

and husband goes to pay the bill O.O 14.8k (we thought it might spike to 20k due to emergency csec)

4pm+ go to nursery to bring our little angel, nurse explain alot of newborn care stuff and umbilical cord cleaning process, baby holding posture and etc ~

5pm finally can leave, wheelchair to the basement parking with baby on my arm (felt so unreal! so hot!)

5.26pm finally reach confinement centre and start my 1 month recovery journey!

6pm ate dinner! then he helped to clean my body (as i was like a disabled person LOL) changed confinement clothes and rest! then only he go out for dinner alone!

8.30pm he is back with my favourite coffee bean matcha! together with brownie from the car! OMG my safety bear!

10pm sleep! finally he can rest in a more comfy bed >_< feel bad for him ~ he say he had head pain gg 

---------------

and so the rest was histories! that incredible journey just went by ~ 1 month later we were out from confinement and started our first real baby care journey ~ that was just another disaster LOL

the first few months was endless anxiety and nervous (afraid baby will choke anytime during sleep, afraid this afraid that, ghost know how we survived!)

luckily mum came to the rescue! we only took baby during weekends mostly, weekday is on my mum, she must be tiring as well too but she said not tired at all! OMG how is that possible LOL

what's more terrible is my scary eczema, which continue to worsen after delivery, went crazy during confinement period and continue until 3 months later! at 4month postpartum finally the itchiness subsides! if not i might have killed myself already LOL

---------------

fast forward to 1yr8months now!!!!!!

Adler is already walking and talking simple words! he grow up quite fast! time passes toooooo fast!

and how is everything else?

work?

family?

partner?

myself?

~Work~

hmmm, work is by far the most suited company (for me at least) would not say best, but suits!

let's see... it is the longest period among all the others job i have now!

because it is fully remote, always working with the great colleagues & of course great boss!

no micro manage, always self motivated, always knows clearly what you need to do and what's next

work is challenging, problem solving is challenging, always in high functioning mode hmmm

what else?

no toxic culture to deal with, everyone knows what they're doing and everyone is serious about their work thus no free rider or whatsoever!

the only downside would be no actual physical human interaction (but isn't that a great thing for INFJ and introvert? LOL)

hmmm, you might think different once u had been staying at home for more than 5 yrs xD

sometimes you might even question your self worth too 😳 like what does the company think of me then? will it be the same as what i thought? will i be the first to let go when there is some unknown crisis in future? (i believe in this ever changing market everyone will have the same fear though xD no matter how safe you feel you're LOL)

okay enough about work! choi choi choi everything will be fine! and if not fine, just suck it up! and move on! i had been through the worst (eg. changing 3 companies in same year + marriage + wedding in 2022, imagine the mental stress i had to went through LOL for such a perfectionist LOL)

~Family~

Okay how about family? oh wait is it my origin family or my new family? xDDD did i start my own family already? O.O I get to decide how it should be now? I get to decide my family rules now? O.O yes we get to decide everything now! at what cost? 😱

Ofcourse human need to get out of their origin family (that mean get out of family houses as well) and then meet another soul and build their new family in a whole new house!

that means you will need to do everything by yourself! and manage your own emotion too!

sound stressful as I'm still a kid but forced to grow up to be adult and have to now take care another little kid! I miss mum always (the childhood mum that I can always lean on)

Now i'm a mum myself and someone will have to lean on me, i got no other to lean on anymore, i have to be super strong, that breaks me a lot... T_____T but still, life goes on, no matter what! just suck it up!

~Partner~

How about your partner? is he 神队友 or 猪队友? xDDD omg he is definitely 神队友 and im the 猪队友 LOLLLL he might had been super regretful after finding out the truth! sorry bro! 

Daily life + household wise, he is like scoring 200 over 100, there's no max for him hmmmm

But there is no perfect human right! you have to accept the fact too! just like i am super dumb ass in daily life LOL (still trying to learn how to be `normal` wife material)

Although he is like a robot, emotionally absent always, which INFJ craves the mostttttttttt, but since now I'm next level INFJ already, and became super capable of regulating my own emotion, that's totally fine! What's more interesting is that, we have AI now! it is an era of gift for all the INFJ out there!

Because you can then chat with AI however and whenever u want without being judged by another human being LOL people who can hack into my account of AI chat might think i'm super mad for having sooooooo many endless conversation with AI LOL

Oh so what's next ?

~Self~

What am I now? a free soul? still an interesting soul? Yessss my brain is full of random thought every single second while i'm awake! years ago I didn't understand why I'm so different with others, but now with help of AI, i can finally reverse engineer myself LOL

I finally know what scientific term might be able to help describe ME! its just a blend of autistic + ADHD i think (which become AuDHD, a totally different things compared to autism or adhd) okay it would not be accurate since AI always say they are not 100% accurate LOL everything they responded are for REFERENCE only! there is always this disclaimer at first before their answer!

But why am I not being diagnosed earlier? I think girls are generally very excellent in masking everything! Boys tend to be obvious in their actions! so there it goes, grow up normally and survived until now! I had been living my life in HARD mode for 30+ years and still counting!

Given now that I had more and more thorough understanding about myself, I wish i could experience this life more differently! (than what I thought N years ago!) 

Looking back at all the old emotional blog posts, so many frustrations, so many anger, so many stressful periods, so many illnesses, I'm glad I had finally reach the time where I can finally `let things be` and not be too obsessed with anything!

Oh what a good life there you have :p 

Why do I always had a 3rd person angle while writing blog posts huh? (no idea LOL)

~Baby~

Before I had an actual baby, I always had these perfectionist thought that I would make sure to provide the best knowledge I have to him, provide everything at the best! sounds just like a fairytale!

But the fact is! once you're pregnant, the only thing you had is just WORRY, you will worry the hell out until the day u die! no more perfectionist! LOL

So worries starts from conceiving, or even pre conceive LOL at every other week or every single day or every single maternal checkup, I am googling the max out from that single piece of ultrasound slip LOL what the hell i am doing? shouldn't be just chilling and enjoying everyday?

Once baby are out, you starts to worry can he survive post infanthood? can he survive next hour? can he survive until age 1?

Once baby is 1 yr old, you then start worries can he walk? can he stand? can he speak? can he became autistic? Can he regress what he had learn past months? every single milestone is being asked in AI LOL

what the hell i'm doing? shouldn't I be enjoying the time I had with him? focus on the NOW? instead of future?

Once he hit 18m, you then starts worries can he construct proper sentence by age 2? can he be socially accepted when he starts to go kindergarten? can he make friends with others? can he start potty train already? OMG how many questions do I need to ask? how many percent am I left for myself? my life?

what about husband? LOL

So one moment hit me! When we are all sicked together! in a foreign country! in Japan! 

What is so important now other than life and dead? surviving!

Okay to survive means to focus on NOW!

So stop worrying about next hour, next month, next year, next 10 years!

~Pneumonia in JAPAN~

While we're in japan last 2 weeks, husband is deadly sicked (fever 40 degree) I was so helpless because I just brought my body without brain to trip always! He is the one did all the packing, all the route planning and luggage management!

When one most important human is down, and there is another hyperactive baby who is full of energies plus a super anxious human with pessimistic mindset, how things will turn out?

I'm afraid that we might not be able to back malaysia in time, we might miss the flight! husband might be in serious illness! 3 of us might be stranded here! luggage might be a mess to be packed! future is DARKNESS! we might not have enough money to cover for japanese healthcare (since we are foreigner!) we might be bankrupt forever! LOL

Breakdown! Repeat! Breakdown again!

And start to pick myself up, to be brave for ONCE!

So after breaking down numerous times, I calmly research nearby hospital, and calmly make our way (with baby) to the hospital via Uber, calmly explain everything to the frontdesk, (all with google translate!) and finally able to see doctor, (calmly communicate w doctor using google translate!) got the diagnosis, breakdown again with baby while in hospital, picked myself up again and calmly wait for husband to get the medicine & CT scan report and paid the bill, then calmly order Uber and back to hotel!

The next day husband was finally not having super high fever! and the next next day we are finally back to malayisa! and the moment I reach malaysia, my body finally collapsed! and fever starts! LOL

I'm finally allowed to be weakling again! when I'm back to my own safe zone!

Long story short, we are over tired during the 8 days 6 nights japan trip and a minor Human Rhinovirus + H Influenza bacteria caused both of us to have pneumonia! 

After back to malaysia, both of us are admitted into hospital for 4 days 3 nights! in the same hospital room! side by side! LOL how irony is that!

baby was brought back home by grandma the moment we get down from flight and continue his happy life over grandma house for a week! without any symptoms! I guess because he has no stress LOL

~Conclusion~

So, what had all these taught me? just focus on NOW, one step at a time! stop all the worrying! Okay well that makes sense, give myself some placebo effects, so that I can live longer and happier! xD

Cheers to many more years to come! (if i'm not dead yet!)

Please come back once a year please 😏

Life Changing Update 👀

Yay, another year & it is almost end of year now! As promise 1 year at least 1 post! 😆

Soooooooo Carollllll what is going on this year?

Is that another crazy year?

Or just plain plain? Hmmmmm

Nooooooooooooo, because......

We.....

Are...

Expec.......

ting.....

a....

Little.....

Fluffyyyyyyyyyyyy 😱😱😱😱😱😱

Here you go... a sneak peak on the little moving creature that live inside me! An actual human being is created OMG 😱

OMG It's happennnnnnniiiiinnnnggggggggg 😳😲😱😰😯😮

Kai Xuan is coming?!?!?! 😰😱😲😳

How is that happening? LOLs

(if not what would you expect after marriage? lols)

Okay let's be serious 😆

--------- I am breaking line ------------

So, as predicted last year, I might be writing this post together with a 👶 & here it goes!!!! (except i am not due yet 😛)

I had been thinking about getting 👶 for a very lonnnnnngggggg time and even thought of a name 10 years ago! Search `Kai Xuan` in this blog & you will find out! LOL

And Soooo, Kai Xuan decided to join us this year! And yes, it's a boyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 👦

And that's what we gonna name him too (in chinese ofcourse xD) english name is still undecided up until this point (around 6 months preggo now 👀)

Okay so what's the timeline, am I too fast jumping into conclusion already? LOL

Oopppps....yeah....

---

So as planned last year, we will be going to our honeymoon in Switzerland around Feb 2023

We went there & it was super cold & a lot was going on during the whole trip (mostly me saying too cold or spam drink hot chocolate or why is this breakfast bread again LOLs)

We even had an argument mid of the trip at Interlaken and both of us cry literally outside of a hotel in a cold cold morning (less than 5 degree or below 0? forgotten) LOLs

Thinking back it was too funny LOLs

Okay so back from Switzerland & back to work and back to normal life

The puzzle of life is like almost complete & we are ready to build a small family right?!

---

Trying to conceive is a super stressful period as life doesn't always go as what you've planned... no matter how many effort you've put in 😣

This is especially true for psycho like me that wanted perfection (my motto is "it's either you don't do anything at all or you go full force into getting what you want 😈) 

After tons and tons and tons of research, googling (in english and chinese - because they give different answers LOL), xiaohongshu reading, blog posts reading & etc

I had became a fake "expert" in my own body and ovulation and cycles (even bought Apple Watch just to find out what is my wrist temperature, it does help in more understand your cycle!)

So after 2 months which is around 22nd April 2023 I got my first positive line in urine pregnancy test kit!! But the line was so faint and it last for few days only until 26th April, then my period came 😵

Then I go into mad mode and crazily research why this happened, turns out it was pretty common that most early pregnancy can result in very early miscarriage like this which is a.k.a chemical pregnancy, but usually people just thought it was just a late period (if you did not test every day like me LOL)

After being greet with such sad experience, then I decided okay just plan for another trip then LOL

Since it might not be that easy to hit the jackpot anyways 💁 (that's what we think as nowadays fertility issues are very common...)

And there we go! I quickly research and bought another flight ticket to Fukuoka, Japan

Wait..

I thought you just went to Switzerland earlier 2 months? LOLs

Why fly again?

There is this one stupid reason I gave him "We must go somewhere to relax so we are not too obsessed in this whole TTC (try to conceive) thing" LOLs

And he bind the idea and boom! Booked flight for July 2023 LOLs

Then booked all the hotels too!

----

So life don't go with what we had planned right? 👀

And yes, who would want to be suffer during happy oversea trip? (1st trimester is super suffering!)

As usual, tracking cycles, playing with urine test every day (for both ovulation and pregnancy test kit) (not sure how many money burnt on buying all those things LOL)

And here it comes! for real! for the very first time!

I got a faint positive line again on the pregnancy test on 21th June 2023! OMG.. it is happening again!!

Wait, will it result like April that time again?

Hmmm... let's not jump into conclusion so fast...let's wait and test again for more days!

And the lines getting darker and darker and darker each and every day OMG 😱😱

I have used too many different brands of test kit (both ovulation and pregnancy) LOL and this china brand David is the most affordable one (if you're one of the psycho that test too much like me) xD

---

So... after confirming that it might be happening, what's the next steps?

Okay research mode is on again! Research for all the hospital / clinics that I wanted to go..

Also research a lot on early miscarriage related topics (ofcourse I always think for the worst case scenarios lols) Since I had brown discharge quite frequent and it is worrying as hell!

Then we booked for our first prenatal checkup & went for an ultrasound scan!

There it goes! A small little seed planted inside my womb! OMGGGG 😱

As I am super nervous human being, we went for a lot of checkup when I think something might go wrong... so it result in more ultrasound being conducted (which is not really recommended lols)

But seeing that cute little seed growing into human shape is so amazing!

So during the first trimester, I had all the suffer symptoms that everyone else got (dry vomit when brush teeth, super duper pain breast when wake up, stomach cramp, bloating, indigestion, cannot stand strong smell, will trigger reflux lols, whole body feeling not myself, cannot walk too much as it will keep cramping and etc)

Some other things that not happen to everyone I got it too!

Covid, and also Falling sick easily ~ 😔

OMG, so how do you survive the Japan trip?

It was a disaster lols (the most uncomfortable trip in life)

We went to japan for a week, and suffer for whole week LOL because there is a lot of walking & dragging luggage around! (and all done by him so he is super tiring!)

And brown discharge always! Scary and worrying as hell!

Luckily all smooth when back to Malaysia!

---

There is also some other experience like going to government emergency department when I had stomach cramp whole day (wait from 8pm to 12am but only RM5 and you got very thorough checking and super pain checking), going to 24 hours clinic at 2am midnight when I had red color bleeding (and done within half hour but RM100 & you got very gentle checking without pain 😏) and so on... 

Everything is past now!

Fluffy is growing healthily now! (hopefully it will continue to.... 👌)

---

After entering into 2nd trimester, everything seems so smooothhh, no more morning sickness, no more cramping, and started to feel some fetal movements! 

The first time I felt it was during 17w5d! It felt like someone poke me from the inside (a very gentle one)

Now at 24w it felt like someone punching already! LOLs

The usual movement happens when you just wake up, after you had eaten something, when you're sitting still, after dinner time, and when you're going to bed!

I finally feel like a real pregnant lady also! before 2nd trimester it just felt uncertain and always worrying because you cannot feel anything except when going for ultrasound scan! (feel like going to ultrasound everyday during first trimester LOL)

---

There is 1 super annoying & unbearable thing that happened to me which is Skin Itchiness & Rash! It started around 15w (when recovering from fever) and until 24w still remains! Within 2 months time we had spent thousands on all the different brands of creams/lotions/moisturiser and also medical checkup/specialist checkup! 

(also did a lot of research/googling to understand what is going on inside my body lols, turned out it might be something called Prurigo of Pregnancy, which will only resolved after baby is delivered 😧)

It was another disaster that make me feel super miserable in this whole pregnancy.. 😭 

Luckily it's getting better now after started taking antihistamine tablets.. (it is not recommended but no choice the itchiness can kill me!) (consulted dermatologist and she says it is fine taking it everyday though even during pregnancy, so it assured me a lot...)

So my daily routine now is applying tons of moisturiser, skin repair cream/lotion every night after bath, and taking antihistamine (Cetrizine) if i ever need to... 

Hopefully once fluffy came out it will be back to normal 👽

--- 

So what is the conclusion of this year?

- Went to Switzerland happily as couple in Feb! (last 2 person trip in life)

- Found out about Little fluffy 1 at April (which did not proceed well...)

- Adopted another cat 😼 named Mochi! (OMG did i forgot to write about mochi at all?)

(okay small stories here, after the lost in April, I thought maybe we can just adopt another cat as a companion for butter... LOLs turned out it might not be a good idea if you are having little infants in future.. 😅)

- Found out about Little fluffy 2 at June! (which also nicknamed Little fluffy though xD)

- Went to Fukuoka in July!

- Covid in August! (luckily it resolved in few days)

- Fever in Sept! (together with the super annoying skin itchiness!)

- Oct and Nov (Cream/lotions/constipation/weight control-ing... because weight gain in 2nd trimester is crazy!)

---

Oh ya, I also went into Shopping Spree mode this month! Starting to buy all baby items and clothes (money fly so fast 👻)

Of course, all clothes are mostly with 🐻 element (🧸 is a must!)

(Not sure if every mum does this for their firstborn though 🤔)

Tada! That's all for the life update of the year!

Let's stay tune again for next year where I might actually writing this blog while holding fluffy in my arms! (hopefully it will be a dream come true!)

Happily Ever After? LOL

 As usual, at least 1 post a year so that the blog archive column on the right side will show from 2010 to current year xD that's what perfectionist brain certain things 😉

So so so, how's the married life going?!?! OMG you're married? I thought just engaged? LOL 😱

What are you supposed to do after engagement if not for marriage? 👀 

Okay well yesssssssssssssssssss we are maaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrriiiedddddddddddd 👫👰👲

so many things happened in 1 year, a lot of catching up to do here hmmmm...

a checklist please 😋

• had ROM on 9th Feb (which is exactly 10 years half from our dating anniversary 9th Aug 2011) (a lot of drama on the day itself)
• left the longest job I ever had (just 3 years where got long LOL)
• changed job 3 times in a year (too much is going on 😳)
• did our prewedding photoshoot & wear gown for the first time in my life (View on Youtube)
• had our wedding actual day ceremony (View on Youtube) (a lot of drama as well 💀)
• had an intimate western style wedding dinner in a fancy place (ofcourse with 🐻) (View on Youtube)
• had makeup 3 times in a year throughout 29 years (1st time in ROM, 2nd time Prewedding Photoshoot, 3rd time Wedding day LOL)
• adopted a cat 😸 named "Butter" (View on IG) on 6th June 2022
• started my first fully remote job (yessssss no jammmmmmmmm)
• had a kid? LOL nonono this is not gonna happen until our honeymoon next year 👻
• bought our flight ticket to switzerland 👀
• renewed our passport & went to Singapore for a trial flight LOL (just to make sure everything works before switzerland trip xD)

end of checklist 💆a lot things happen right?!

wait...what?! you had a proposal + prewedding photoshoot + wedding + honeymooooooon? isn't it overkill? 俗语说 “小孩子才做选择，大人全部都要” - right?😉

oh girl, you had a cat also? I heard you afraid of furry animals except teddy bears? LOL

yes, Butter is so damn annoying & so damn cute & so damn clingy 😹

it unlocked a new version of the man of my life in an unexpected way 😏

now I know what will happen to our future kids 👻

what's man of my life? it's husbanddddddddddddd 😗 isn't this whole blogger thing is about him?

so what now? he is officially yours & what you gonna do to him? 👀 & what will happen to this blog?

are you gonna end it? (since people always say: "得到后就不会珍惜")

nonono, must appreciate! recall what I said "Every moment spent with you, is a moment I treasure!"

So stay tune next year! 😆

Might be writing this blog together with a 👶? (LOL think too much la)

Ciao ~

Status... change? 💍

 omg 说好的 stay tune next year 呢？😨😳

why am i back so soon?!?! must be something happened right?!?! right?!?!

it's just shy 4 months plus and I am here again!!

okay skip the boring sections like work + life which is basically the same forever 😆😅

and...

here we go...

i.....

am...

finally...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! E N G A G E D !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And picture time!!!

look at the victory pose of me that i did not share to social media 😆 

(but hey, no one is gonna raid your man LOLs)

and of course my favourite brownie must be at the scene!! holding the special 💍 !!!

we chose the 💍 together so i make sure that i like it 😂 (actually many people does that as well 😏)

and how it looks on my finger! diamond is not huge but i knew his love was huge 💗

----------------------------i am breaking point----------------------------

sooooooooo how it all happened?!

since we had been together for 10 years.. and we also had N conversations about this topic (i mean who never talk about this LOLs)

and we kind of agreed that by end of the year it should be it (by we i mean he* 😅)

we are very different type of person and demand / 憧憬 different stuff! 👀

he insist that proposal should be a surprise but I actually don't need or don like surprise.. (human afraid of what they don't know and I take this to the max level 👻) 

I like everything planned ahead and follow the planning as I go, even when something random happen in the middle I can still adapt it (i'm actually quite flexible, but i just need to know the rough idea ahead!) 

how to explain it better? I like to know the movie ending even when I just started watching it 😂

so I kind of ask for tidbits every time we come close to the topic of proposal 😬

the more i asked, the more he is drained and exhausted, and it makes both of us down 😫 (thanks to my stupidity and personality! 💀)

knowing all my concerns and stupidity (after N times of emo for both of us 😂), he finally shared his plan with me!!! 

but he still decided to keep certain parts secret as he still have to answer to his own needs (the surprise part)

so i knew the exact day itself (so we can apply for leave 😂😂)

then i knew it is not at home (coz he knew i wanted special place with some decoration 🙈) but i donno where is the exact location until the actual day! 🥶

i also told him i dont want to be wearing fitgear clothes (the sport clothing that i wear everyday 😂😂)

then we went for 💍 shopping together! 

after viewing few shops and learnt some new knowledge about 💎 and at last chosen the one in SK jewellery 🙈

we asked for the smallest and cheapest 💍 🙈 (coz originally i am not a fan of 💎, i actually don't mind if proposal ring is not with diamond but with 🐻 😂😂😂)

and just so happen they have my size for the ring pattern i chosen! then we go for it! 😍

after the one-time-trying on my finger, then i never have the chance to see the 💍 anymore! (until actual day! 🙈)

when back to home he keep it hidden in his cabinet and i have to assume i didnt know the existence of the 💍 🙈

----------------------------i am breaking point----------------------------

here come the actual day!!

we went out around 11am and while he driving i asked where is the location, he said is grand hyatt hotel 🏨 

so my hand itchy starts, i go to booking dot com to search the hotel and see the different types of room..

then i saw there is garden giew and tower view, so i asked him did u book tower view? (coz last time i did mention if choose near klcc must choose tower view! 🙈)

he say no, and he seems like donno there is tower view option, i started to feel emo as i thought he is not putting alot effort into planning this (which is the opposite 🥺)

then we went for lunch at klcc (din tai fung), we didnt order alot becoz I said i want to look slim 😂😂

he asked why am i emo and i told him my thoughts 🙈 (and this hurts him to the max.. so sorry 🥺)

at that point of time i still didn't realized that it hurts him so much lols.. stupid me.. 🙈

then i realized that as we walk back to car park and went into car.. it was a very sorrow moment (due to my stupidity 😞)

he pour out his thoughts and show me the vulnerable side of him 🥺 (at that moment my heart was torned into pieces because i 竟然 hurt him so much 🥺😭)

i have no idea what i can do to make him feel better 😞 

so i just hold his hand and tell him i really misunderstood him and i am really sorry 🙁 

(being an 好胜 adult it is really tough to say the apology words but i forced myself to... because thats the only thing i should and must do! 😔)

if you are Highly Sensitive Person + INFJ and you hurt people you are actually hurting yourself too 😧 

so i cried as well, i cried so hard to the point that i feel i don't deserve this guy (bcoz its a shame for me to make him cry 😢 and i didnt see this before in the past 10

yrs, at least not that serious 😭)

in my brain i am actually thinking 不如就算了，放过他放过大家就算了？since we seems so suffer and cant understand each other.. (no, its just me who not understand him 🥺)

"he had already made great effort, and made up his mind to willing to spend his life with u, how can u think of this irresponsible act?"

all this thoughts wander in my brain and makes me cry non stop 🥺

love is tough 😢

minutes gone, and slowly i started to calm down.. (which he already calm down long before i went into that mad crying session 😂)

then i said to him, i dont want to make him cry anymore, because it breaks my heart 😭

then we proceed to hotel after settling our emotion 🏨

(but my eyes are red 🐼) 

----------------------------i am breaking point----------------------------

after checking in hotel (he did request to change to tower view! with just extra rm80 😂, and the room is spacious and nice 🤪)

we rest for a while and went out to pavilion (so the decorators people can come to do the magic! 🤪)

we walk around, gone to coffee bean ~ then go for dinner

after dinner at HoMinSan, we bought a flower 🌹 and a wine 🍷 and bring back to hotel 🏨  (and the decoration was finished just in time!)

 originally we plan there is just the two of us with the photoshooting (i have requested i wan a video recording 🙈 so greedy me 🤪)

his church friend guess that he was going to propose and offer help to do photoshooting for us 🙈 (because of my IG stories of hotel maybe 🤔)

so we went back to 🏨 and decided to do the actual round of the proposal first before his friend arrive 🙈 

to prepare my mood, when we arrive parking of the hotel, i ask him to go up first and i wait in the car 😂

then he went up to see the decorations & also to move my brownie 🐻 to the sofa 😂 (originally brownie was sitting on bed 🛏)

then he came down to bring me go up, i was so nervous 🤪 😬

when the hotel room door is opened and i walked into the room it is even more nervous!! 😱

cant believe it is gonna happen!!! 🤪🤪🤪 (the day i had been waiting for past N yearsss)

----------------------------i am breaking point----------------------------

1 of the decoration fell down, and he quickly stick it back to the wall

then adjusted some balloon position 🎈 

and move me to the middle of the place 😳

and he play the song "Marry Me : Bruno Mars" in his phone

guess what i am doing? my brain was empty and cant function 😂

then he walk towards me...

ask me what should we do now

i tell him perhaps say some words ? 😂 words from the bottom of his heart

then there he go...

the actual words might be missing (the following is purely based on my memories 🥺)

"Chiew... Ca....rol，erm。。希望你感受到我的用心for这里的布置。。接下来我们可以一起走下去，一起生孩子。。一起活到老。。希望你可以接受我" (before he finish i already burst out crying 😭 probably due to the stack of emotion from past 10 years all at once! 😱 and also the bruno mars song!)

then he say "哪里有酱快的？！” （he means where got so fast cry one 😂)

then he continue while kneeling down "请问你可以嫁给我吗？” with a very sincere face that i can sense abit of 不知所措 in his eyes

i stunned for a moment (same like the stun when he first kissed me 🤪)

then i say "可以"

 then he put the 💍 on my finger 🤪🤪🤪🤪

（and i heard him saying 几怕你说不可以 which afterwards he said he didnt say this 🤪）

after i calm down, while waiting for his friend

its my turn to give him my words 🙈

then we move to the middle place again 😂😂

i hold his hand and i said (might not be actual words again, it is just based on my memories and my actual thoughts in current moment at the point of writing this post 😂)

 "谢谢你做的全部这些东西，谢谢你到最后还是选择了我，我知道我们两个原本已经要放弃了😭可是你还是选择和我一起走下去 😭😭😭 对不起伤了你，我以后都不想再弄你哭了😭😭"

another round of tears again 🤪🤪🤪

for how many times I have thought of being dumped or breaking up, and that's how many tears I drop in 1 single day! 😭 爱情真的虐心! 

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

----------------------------i am breaking point----------------------------

after that, his friend arrived and helped us to do alot of photoshooting 😍

he also helped to shoot a staged proposal video 😂

basically he said the same thing but just lack of the 生孩子 part (bcoz he shy) and for me lack of the crying part 😂😂😂 (bcoz i am out of tears 😂😂😂)

everything else was similar 🙈

and thats it! the end of the dramatic proposal day! 

😂😂😂

then he sent his friend down to lobby and back, and we just have shower and rest ~

and ofcourse sharing the big news to social media 😆 and getting non stop notifications from phone all night long ~ and it persisted for few days 🤣🤣🤣

----------------------------i am breaking point----------------------------

there it goes, once-in-a-lifetime sweetest moment of my life, engaged to the love of my life 😘

Thanks for everything Mr Ang 😍

Still the same sentence:

"Every moment spent with you, is a moment I treasure"

I said this 10 years ago, I say it now, and I will say it again in coming decades 🥺😍

Oh ya, upgrading status to Engaged in facebook has the same excitement as when I change the status to "in a relationship" with you 9 years ago 😆 (we decided to only make it public on facebook after 1 year of dating last time 😂)

Lastly, 我爱你 洪建隆 ❤️

it's time to update again!

yooooooooo i'm backkkkkkkk 😆

how is everything going? can i say it's smooth? (hmm.. not so.. 😕)

seems like i only update once a year xD so it should be as detail as possible?

nonono, some are P&C right 😏

so.. how's life treating me so far?

a viewpoint from outsider is definitely very positive..

u see this girl ah.. got talent got job got bf got food got house..& got hamster! 😏

nothing to worry right.. but that's all surface!

physical wellbeing doesn't equate to mental wellbeing.. (when did i become professional? lols)

sometimes u will just fall into a very dark spiral & stuck inside like forever until reality (life,work,stress,bills,bears xD) pulls u back.. (omg what am i writing?! i have no idea xD)

lols okay let's back to normal for a bit.. 

people say human only demonstrate the good on the internet :p for people to see.. (as in showoff/shai meng if u know cantonese 😏)

let me try to follow that 😉

-------i am breaking point-------

let's start with job.. 

how is my job currently? 

hmm.. the ultra stressful period is gone.. (like in 2020)

now it is like honeymoon period.. can chill can relax can research & improve the used-to-be-rocket-phase-built-solution LOLs..

and there it goes, another peak period is just coming my way.. 😈 a total revamp? hmm.. let's see

career wise? hmmm

- is the current job great enough to satisfy my 3 minute hot? 😏

- is the current working environment satisfying? (opps we are in wfh situation..😳)

- is this the place i see myself to still be at in 3 yrs time? (hmmmm...shhhh 🙊)

hmm... so far so good...? (that's my answer to anyone who ask me question related to job LOL)

okay job is done bye

-------i am breaking point-------

okay as usual.. next question is life.. how about life? 

i just went through a big change in life! (and so does him..lols)

we moved out from our original house and stay into his new house together..

omgggggggggg... is this co...habitate..? 😱😱😨😨😰😰

and without being married? 😱😲😳😵 (okay this is quite modern nowadays right.. lols)

that's what western people do.. even when they have kids already they're still fine with single status.. (hmm.. but ofcourse there will be another type of status like "de facto" relationship, can google yourself 😏)

okay back to me 😆 i am asian ofcourse i can't be so modern ! but i am still doing modern stuff anyways lolllll

yes we lived together in the same space now (isn't that what u always dreamed of for past 10 yrs? LOLs)

and due to the current lockdown situation, we are basically 24/7 see-ing each other except working hours (in separate rooms)

& yes there are alot of arguments, stuff u don like about him, stuff he don like about u, stuff u both don like, stuff u still insist to do even another person don like, stuff about hamster, stuff about placement, stuff about too many bears, stuff about freedom, stuff about space, staff about house chores, stuff about toilet, stuff about bed, stuff about electricity, stuff about money, stuff about grab food, stuff about literally any freaking little things 😉

& we started to conduct sprint review (by we is actually me 😁) just like scrum practice in IT world! LOLs so every 2 week we will talk about stuffs (yes stuff above) and each side must focus and listen whatever another side mentioned (forced to 😈) as the old folks saying "communication is the key to happy relationship", this is so freaking true and so I enforce it!! (no nego!) 

so in normal days we will just cold war and shut myself/himself up.. but in sprint review day u must speak out 😀 is this actually useful? (hmm.. let's see in coming few months LOL)

okay basically my life is just about adapting to this new lifestyle ~ 😉

oh ya..!! forgot to mention also the N-kilograms-furniture that we bought from iKEA together and move literally every single item (ultra big + big + small) back to our so called "home" now 😂 and everything (literally every single thing) is just done by 2 of us ! from nothing to everything! such a great sense of fulfillment when everything is completed. 😆 (opps most heavy one are actually by him.. shhhh 🙊)

-------i am breaking point-------

okay how about relationship?

are we still alive after stuck in this 24/7 no split lockdown? (yes i am, not sure about him though 😵)

i am okay to stick with him but he is the one that need absolute space & freedom for himself 😏 (which man not like this? come signup here lai LOL)

is the love still great enough for me to continue? (yessssssssssssssssssssssssss, alright? 😅)

are we ready to move on to next stage of life? (aren't u already in next stage? 🙊 LOL)

how many kids are we planning to get? (2... ?)

how many new bears is allowed? (0...?)

how many new hamster is allowed? (when all the current one is gone.. naturally..?)

soo... after all... when are you going to get married? lols.. let's just wait ... and see... ? 😳

-------i am breaking point-------

hmmm... everything sound so fun so bright right? how about myself?

have i found myself already? (no.. not yet...who am i? why am i in this world? LOLs)

have i become a better person in overall already? (no.. no progress.. define "better" please)

have i become great in saving money already? (no.. impossible..😟)

have i learnt to give instead of take already? (still learning.. a bit slow.. LOL)

have i gained weight again ? (omg this is super YES.. i am heavier already due to this stupid covid lockdown! coz calories intake is > calories burnt ! 👿 + i so lazy exercise 😖)

have i become capable in handling stress already? (i think ... yes?)

have i learn to pamper myself instead of pleasing others already? (in some ways.. yes?)

have i became matured? (i think yes.. at the age of 28 if u're still kid what else you want to achieve? LOLs - speaking from a kid viewpoint)

have i learn any new skills? (YES, i did vinyl flooring for my whole house + this current new house, can it be consider a skill? quotation we got for full house vinyl flooring is rm4k+ but i did everything with just rm800+ 😀)

what did i learned in this year? (decision making is hard, once you've chosen, be content with it 😉)

what am i going to do next? (get a kid? LOL no)

-------i am breaking point-------

Tada ~ that's all for the update ! stay tune next year!

from 🧸

It's me again 👀

Yoyoyo, I am back again after 1 year 1 month plus 😆
soooooo... how is everything so far?
2020 is a terrible year for most of the human..
but it is definitely a huge change for everything.. hmm..😌
---
eg. work from home is no longer a dream.. 
but a disaster also? LOL 😵
initially we thought work from home must be fun..
who know it further demonstrate the workaholic ability.. 😰
especially for the perfectionist like me.. ">__<"

imagine working from morning until midnight 12am (in the same room)
and yes I still haven't change job 😌
although it has been a ultra stressful year for me.. 😅 (or maybe not ultra? just normal?😳)
okay work is over.. as long as still not dead yet ~ 😌
---
how about life? 😳
have i found my purpose in life? 😵
nooo... i am still as confused as before.. 😵
not knowing what I want or what is my purpose 😰
do human really need purpose in life? 😕
what's for to be alive if there is no purpose? 😵
if watch youtube enough, then can know the answer LOL
"find your confidence, then you will find your purpose!" 😌 (from donno which youtuber)
but where to find my confidence? coding? 😳
---
oh ya.. i changed my car!
小黄 is gone 😫 and replaced by 小白.. ✌
my thought is to change car every 5 years..(y so waste?) 😵
this year is the 5th year & so i changed 😳
bcoz people say after 5 yrs car will start to have problem..
& i am afraid to maintain car outside of original factory >__<
so what is the next potential car after 5 years? back to Axia? 😅
---
and yes, we bought another house 😳
is it a decision made wisely? (not sure..😰)
is it a impulse decision? (yes for me..😅)
is there a risk? (😳 maybe.. but hope not)
is the location strategic? (quite.. 😗)
is the pricing reasonable? (😳 reasonable before covid, maybe not after covid?)
can we afford total of X houses in coming future? (😵 hopefully)

but wait... what if we are not together anymore? 😳
what if he end up choosing another girl? (imaginative one? LOL😳)
choi choi choi.. don always so pessimistic okay 😌 (although i am..)
okay let's be serious.. even if the worst case happen.. 
we will just go through the flow as it come then.. 😢
wait for the house to finish construction at 2025 and sell it?
there will always be a solution i believe 😗
---
how about our relationship? 👫
has it grow stronger? (i hope yes 😌)
has it became stable? (i think yes..? 😳)
has it already ready to move on to next stage? (i think not..😅)
but has it already provide me the affirmation that he is the one? (i think so..😗)
bla bla bla this is just my one sided story anyways 😌
and even after 9th years, i still cannot know what is inside his mind 😗
i think i will never understand him 😆
nvm, i will try again 😗💪 (if only there is a life time for me to try 😆)
---
how about myself? let's have some reflection..
- did i already become matured? 😳 (i think yes.. in some cases..😌)
- did i already capable of handling stress? (maybe...? 😆 since i haven't change job LOL)
- did i finally grow up? 😆 (i hope so... 😎 not so dependent anymore can consider?)
- did i learn to save money? (nooo.. i will never achieve this.. 😟😟)
- did i gain weight? (yesss... become fatty soon 😭)
- did i do something i will never do previously? (yessss... i started to have hamster as pet!😎)
- did i excel in my skill? (no.. not much improvement this year..😟)
- what did i learnt this year? 😵 (i am getting old 😆😅)
- what i want to do next year? (get a kid? LOL? 😰 i hope i am kidding 😆, it is never easy to become parent anyways 😗.. okay get a new hobby maybe 😌)
yay end of update ~ stay tune next year! 😆😆

from 🧸

Just to update myself 🎃

yay fast forward to another year in life 🎃
it has been almost 1 year since my last post 🤭
reading blog feels like experiencing one’s life in fast pace 😂

okay how’s life after that? hmm...👀
changed my job 🧸
moved into new house (my own house 😍)
grew up ? lols 🤡 (ridiculous lols)
learnt to wash toilet 😳 (isn’t it....)
learnt to eat on time 🤭 (shouldn’t u already...)
learnt to eat alone and enjoy alone 🤐 (opps..)
learnt to take lrt happily 🙀 (why not happy...)
learnt to fill my own time fully 🤡

why sound like a after-broke-up-change? 👀
yes indeed 🤭 that tragedy really turn me upside down 🙃
but we are still together yay 🤪

not sure how long it will last 👵
not sure what is your thought either 💁‍♀️ (still cnt understand u after 8 yrs 😂)
not pushing anything 🙅‍♀️
and live like there’s no tomorrow 💃

how did i made the change above? 🧐
because one day i read somewhere on the net 🤨 (trusted source?)
it says “life is meant to be lonely, u came alone and you will go alone as well”
that sentence just strike me in the head 🤯

and thus i learnt the fact that i am lonely (feels lonely) and thats totally alright 😢
everyone else is the same though...(feels lonely to the point that we think no one will understand)
even if we have family / friends / lover, you still need to be alone to face most of the things 🥺
harsh truth 😟 but i finally learnt it 😏

yay congrats 🥳
you just had your second puberty 😂

my mind cant stop spinning whenever i am conscious
is like thousand of what why how when who is going on every minute 🤪
(and i literally google that random question that pop out every time)
seems like a gift to be curious at everything (bill gates also curious in everything LOL)
but at the same time also a curse to myself 😔

i can go very deep into just 1 question.. and stucked for a very long period of time until i get out 🥺
when deal w people i just control myself to not ask so many questions lol
but when i am alone my brain is at mad 🤪
that makes me a very emotional person.. 😔

example:
why i need to grow up?
- then turned into...
- why grow up is so cruel,
- why i cant be a little girl stick beside my mum anymore?
- why i go to work alone everyday?
- why i have to find food myself?
- how come the road to work is taking 1 hour plus?
- why is everyone looking at their phone on train?
- why are the people keep pushing me on train?
- should i buy some cereal in groceries store?
- am i going to be in the dark and silence when i die?
- how am i gonna live my life when my mum is no longer in the world?
- what will i do in 30 yrs time?
- will i still be with him?
- will i ever have kids?
- should i change job?
- should i get a new car or house?

so many random questions pop out at the same time 🤯
i wonder how is other people brain works.. 😔
did they just think of nothing while swiping phone?
or did they just live at the moment and don ask the brain so many questions 🤨

my brain should have hated me by now 🤩

good luck brain 🤓

from 🧸

It's me 😳

Today is just a normal day 🙃
Why I have not written anything after broke up? 😿
Because I scared it will happen any time.. now or coming months...

Yes we got back together..
You said for one last time...
If it is really not working out..
Then we're done.. 😭

Okay stories go like this..
We broke up and got back the next day after went through hell of crying...
And still continue crying silently for next couple of days
Plus weeks of thinking whether I have made a right choice..  🙃 (Because the 'get bck tgt' moment I'm not in calm mode, the finger act faster than brain without processing)

And yes.. After thorough consideration I have already appointed you as my first and last no matter the breakup happen again or not.. (Opps.. isnt it always that case? 😳)

And I have finally see through the relationship thingy.. I am not wanting for result anymore..(eg marriage, kids or future) I value more on the process now 😌

As long as we have experienced it.. There's no more regret if we didnt make it at the end.. 😿 There's only sadness 😳

Btw the heartbreak is real hurt.. I still cant forget the feeling.. and I tear automatically every time I thought of that moment. or when I sing the song 'Remember when' while driving to office (That's the song playing at the breakup day) 🙈

I wish I would not experience this anymore.. But life always throw lemon at us..so no choice but just deal with it accordingly.. 😿

So.. 1 sentence to describe my current situation? 'Live like there's no tomorrow'.. Try my best to nurture our small ship (relation) and hope it grow up stronger 🙃

They once said relationship will get stronger if u hv experienced breakup.. but there's another saying as well which is those who broke up will still breakup at the end.. 😳 I think it really depends on fate then.. 😿

Lets hope for the best 😏

From 🐻

the end of us.. 😭

today mark the end of our 6 yrs plus relationship.. 😭

my feeling is more than sad.. i cannot describe it.. i felt both of us hurts so deep... even u are the one who initiated..

i cant fall asleep even i did not think anything..
the thing that i afraid since the initial phase of relationship finally happens..

we have no fate.. 😭
we are destined to passed by each other...

tomorrow onwards i will lost u forever...
i cant get close to u anymore..
i cant hold ur hand..
i cant declare ownership..
i cant smell u...
i cant have future w u...
kai xuan is not happening..😭

i look thru the windows..
i see emptiness...

my heart is kosong now..

whats inside of me.. 😭

my tears dried and wet for N times repeatedly..

but growing up means life still goes on no matter what happened..

i still have to go to office tomorrow..
with my broken into pieces heart..
and a shell without soul..

life goes on..
sadness stay..
insomnia starts..

sad for no reason..

its 4am right now..
im actually very tired & hungry..
bugs cannot be fixed & so do i..
the moment i lie on the bed..
my tear started to roll..
why? for no reason..

tomorrow is working day!
and wat r u doing right now?
Y_Y seems like an emotional day..
is it bcoz of stress?
i have no idea...

just burst into tears when thought of mummy...😭

macam baby girl.. 😢
how i wish i am still a kid..
who can enjoy protection from her..
no matter what happen i feel safe.. 😭

i am not ready to be adult yet 😭
but all of us forced to grow..

with great power comes great responsibility..
i m just not ready...😢

i feel insecure...
and lonely..
in this big big world.. 😞