Oh no did I promised to come back once a year? as a perfectionist? oh wait am I not perfectionist anymore? yessssssss once you had went through everything to deliver and take care of a new human being, your perfectionist will be gone! for good!
And soooo what happened for the past 2 years where I went missing?!?!
As the title suggests, obviously `working` + `being a mum` ? LOL
How could a perfectionist juggle between wanting to take care of a new born plus being continue to succeed at work? How is that even possible? What did I went through?
Oh no it is tons and tons and tons of mental struggle + endless sleepless nights + ghost know how many THREADS of ChatGPT + Gemini + DeepSeek chats + unimaginable incredible opening of my whole new brain LOL
Hmm does that mean I am a whole new person already? not that tiny little girl who always afraid of being dumped by her then ex boyfriend? xD (husband now SORRY!)
Yeah becoming a mum to take care of a new little creature will stripe you off every single excessive 恋爱脑 mindset that you have been having for past 10+ yearssssss, it is tested and proven and confirm legit xD
Okay far off topic already, lets get back to life ~
--------
Let's continue from end stage of Pregnancy~
The little naive me would have thought that I might be going into natural birth easily with epidural help xD After N research + thousand of xiaohongshu reading, anxiously waiting for the day to come ~
My EDD was supposed to be 4th March (near my birthday!) but Adler decided to kick his way to the world (did we named him Adler? OMG - and yes KaiXuan as well! )
Wait how did Adler and KaiXuan came together? Oh yes you can put what ever combination you want in the IC, the JPN officer will just have a glance and give u a pass~
Okay so on a lovely friday night after our dinner around 7pm, in the car driving back home, we joke about how the discount can also applied to after work hours (was written in the brochure of Delivery Package of SMCV), and since it is already past 37week by that time (to be exact 37+6), I tap the tummy gently and whisper "hello, i think you can come out tonight yo xD"
~THE DAY WHEN ADLER CAME~
A joke came to live! On the same night when I go to bed and trying to fall asleep, i feel a little tight on my big fat tummy, ignored and continue to sleep, around 3.20am I was awaken by this super strong tightness followed by a super strong kick! I heard a balloon popping sound O.O omg does my water just broken so easily by Adler's 1 strong kick?
I quickly shout "omg so many water coming out, 很多水很多水！", he quickly sprint to grab his phone and called doctor to explain our water breaking scenario, doctor said come to delivery room instantly now!
I was laying on the bed and started to get hyper anxious! Then he grabbed all the bags and necessity and there we go - to the hospital at around 3.35am xD In the car I started to feel contractions, which is around 7 mins apart, still fine I guess? a bit more like x2 period pain, but i keep on shivering everytime the contractions came!
~ DELIVERY or TRAUMA ~
Got to the hospital and took lift to 4th floor for Labour room xD Nurse check and I'm only 3cm dilated only, I heard 3cm and I quickly request for epidural knowing that I confirm cannot endure the pain that will come xD so the epidural was given at around 4cm opening xD and then a long wait proceeds ~ (just 1 or 2 hours la aiyo LOL)
Within the few hours my BP was spike so high until 160/100+ and had head dizziness! was given 2 pill for blood pressure! also given antibiotic for water breaking!
Around 6.30am+ nurse asked when was my last meal o.O that's when I suspect i might not have natural birth xD
then baby fell asleep! inform that I might need to go through Emergency C-Section because fetal is in distressed (a.k.a heart rate dropped),
after a phone call where husband speak with doctor for c section confirmation, then they quickly prepare me to be go into Operation Theatre!
Everything went so quick, shaving, wearing gown, putting urine catheter & being pushed into OT! anesthesia doctor was right beside me walking into the OT and explain that he will just add on another injection to be allowed for c section!
What's interesting is, with Epidural (you will not feel pain, but you can feel when you move your legs, when your skin get touched and your body is being moved! you can feel it all! just without pain!)
but with the half body anesthesia, you will feel totally nothing! (as if u don have legs!) even though you spam trying to move any parts of your lower body! nothing!
on the OT and the bed, I started to get more anxious again! my both hand was tied sideway opening like a T shape! I was shivering non stop ever since before arriving hospital, like keep shaking (probably went into panic attack!) but doctor kept on explaining it must be the side effect of the anesthesia!
Then I felt that i cannot feel my right hand, only left hand FINGERS can be felt! and only left hand FINGERS can move! how is that even possible haha! that makes me extra anxious too!
so at 7.42am, Adler is out! we heard his loud and strong crying sound LOL but cannot see his face clearly, doctor even took a photo at the exact timing he was pulled out from my tummy OMG (using husband's phone!) then baby is brought over to my face (yes right beside my face!) and had a first family photo! and ask me to confirm is this a girl or boy! then i say boy! LOL
Then, pediatrician came and explain that baby is all good! 100 score for hearing! okay that was so much reassuring! and there it goes - a long wait of stitching ~
then i was moved to outside of OT, just a lounge i guess for monitoring ~ tik tok tik tok ~ time passed by and still complaining to nurse saying i cannot feel my right hands! only left hand! they must be going mad with me LOL why this patient is so anxious, just wait la aiyo!
lastly i was moved back to my wad but is a double room! next bed is noisy though with families! (we requested for single room but there is no available room yet)
then I was still shivering nonstop! and took a lot of medicine (antibiotic, gas eliminating meds, reduce anxious meds LOL)
baby was being brought in at 10am! but my anesthesia effects is still not subside yet! whole body is numb so I can only see him from side view and wait husband to show me photo on phone!
then my whole body is itchy until max! (is another side effect to anesthesia apparently LOL)
then lunch time! porridge! body started to feel like mine again! first is hand, then legs oh yeah I'm back to myself finally! and wound started to feel painful omg! luckily painkiller is there! requested and faster eat! LOL
everytime the nurse came into room then my body goes into this weird "shivering mode" nonstop until they went out LOL only when husband is in the room I stop shivering! what the fxxx is going on with my body? LOL
my brain feels like super scary because i cant seem to control my own body!
different nurse coming to check on me and I requested for any medication that can help shivering!
then doctor prescribed Dormicum! I quickly googled and it says for anxiety! omg I am having anxiety? LOL ofcourse you this hypersensitive perfectionist LOL
then slowly over the time i started to noticed the pattern, whenever i anxious (triggered by nurse/doctor visit) > my BP spikes > then my body goes into shivering mode LOL
3pm baby is being brought in again, the new daddy still not dare to carry the baby yet LOL
then i sleep for ghost know how long with my parent nearby ~ husband back home to pack my most important VIP!
6.38pm brownie was being brought from home to hospital! yay finally my strongest safety bear is here! it helps to calm me down alot alot! sniffing brownie makes me shivering lesser! LOL
at night ghost know how i fell asleep, nurse was coming in frequently to check my BP and also send in meds!
DAY 2
on 7.44am, baby was brought in again, asked me to try breastfeeding O.O omg what?! try to latch and success (for once) but no milk came out after 15mins LOL (baby was probably angry already LOL)
8.15am the new daddy finally became brave to carry baby for the very first time! i quickly help him photoshoot LOL
next, after breakfast the urine tube was being removed, i was asked to get down bed to go pee O.O okay i know it sounds super scary for many of the c section mums, but surprisingly the pain is just okay for me to bare! perhaps i ate too many painkillers? LOL
I was able to get down, stand up and walk to bathroom and sit down to pee! but i notice i got painful prolapse of anus! omg okay it will be fine next few days, just ignore for now LOL
11am husband side families came!
12pm lunch, super tasty!
1.49pm my parent & brother came!
4pm he back home to take items again!
felt like he was the one more tired and rushing and cant eat on time!
then doctor came to check on me and assure me that i can discharge tomorrow! just ask me to relax!
7.20pm nurse came to inject 清血针 omg what is that LOL have to inject for 10 days consecutively at thigh? okay what's so painful u had a baby already LOL
at night also ghost know how i fell asleep LOL
baby was brought in at 10pm and 1am, kept on trying to latch but no milk LOL
DAY 3 - discharge day ~
7am baby came again, no success in latching ~ then a lactationist came to teach me at 11.43am lol finally success but omg it is painful! baby sucking super hard LOL
okay I prefer pumping xD
2pm doctor came to see wound and clean the wound + apply new waterproof plaster
not painful but my shivering mode is on again!
then she teaches me to do deep breathe whenever shivering starts, I tried and it works!
asked about anxiety and BP, she say no meds will be given yet, to visit her again in 1 week! to remove wound cover!
3pm start discharge process ~ went for first poop, success! doctor still give Duphalac for standby~
and husband goes to pay the bill O.O 14.8k (we thought it might spike to 20k due to emergency csec)
4pm+ go to nursery to bring our little angel, nurse explain alot of newborn care stuff and umbilical cord cleaning process, baby holding posture and etc ~
5pm finally can leave, wheelchair to the basement parking with baby on my arm (felt so unreal! so hot!)
5.26pm finally reach confinement centre and start my 1 month recovery journey!
6pm ate dinner! then he helped to clean my body (as i was like a disabled person LOL) changed confinement clothes and rest! then only he go out for dinner alone!
8.30pm he is back with my favourite coffee bean matcha! together with brownie from the car! OMG my safety bear!
10pm sleep! finally he can rest in a more comfy bed >_< feel bad for him ~ he say he had head pain gg
---------------
and so the rest was histories! that incredible journey just went by ~ 1 month later we were out from confinement and started our first real baby care journey ~ that was just another disaster LOL
the first few months was endless anxiety and nervous (afraid baby will choke anytime during sleep, afraid this afraid that, ghost know how we survived!)
luckily mum came to the rescue! we only took baby during weekends mostly, weekday is on my mum, she must be tiring as well too but she said not tired at all! OMG how is that possible LOL
what's more terrible is my scary eczema, which continue to worsen after delivery, went crazy during confinement period and continue until 3 months later! at 4month postpartum finally the itchiness subsides! if not i might have killed myself already LOL
---------------
fast forward to 1yr8months now!!!!!!
Adler is already walking and talking simple words! he grow up quite fast! time passes toooooo fast!
and how is everything else?
work?
family?
partner?
myself?
~Work~
hmmm, work is by far the most suited company (for me at least) would not say best, but suits!
let's see... it is the longest period among all the others job i have now!
because it is fully remote, always working with the great colleagues & of course great boss!
no micro manage, always self motivated, always knows clearly what you need to do and what's next
work is challenging, problem solving is challenging, always in high functioning mode hmmm
what else?
no toxic culture to deal with, everyone knows what they're doing and everyone is serious about their work thus no free rider or whatsoever!
the only downside would be no actual physical human interaction (but isn't that a great thing for INFJ and introvert? LOL)
hmmm, you might think different once u had been staying at home for more than 5 yrs xD
sometimes you might even question your self worth too 😳 like what does the company think of me then? will it be the same as what i thought? will i be the first to let go when there is some unknown crisis in future? (i believe in this ever changing market everyone will have the same fear though xD no matter how safe you feel you're LOL)
okay enough about work! choi choi choi everything will be fine! and if not fine, just suck it up! and move on! i had been through the worst (eg. changing 3 companies in same year + marriage + wedding in 2022, imagine the mental stress i had to went through LOL for such a perfectionist LOL)
~Family~
Okay how about family? oh wait is it my origin family or my new family? xDDD did i start my own family already? O.O I get to decide how it should be now? I get to decide my family rules now? O.O yes we get to decide everything now! at what cost? 😱
Ofcourse human need to get out of their origin family (that mean get out of family houses as well) and then meet another soul and build their new family in a whole new house!
that means you will need to do everything by yourself! and manage your own emotion too!
sound stressful as I'm still a kid but forced to grow up to be adult and have to now take care another little kid! I miss mum always (the childhood mum that I can always lean on)
Now i'm a mum myself and someone will have to lean on me, i got no other to lean on anymore, i have to be super strong, that breaks me a lot... T_____T but still, life goes on, no matter what! just suck it up!
~Partner~
How about your partner? is he 神队友 or 猪队友? xDDD omg he is definitely 神队友 and im the 猪队友 LOLLLL he might had been super regretful after finding out the truth! sorry bro!
Daily life + household wise, he is like scoring 200 over 100, there's no max for him hmmmm
But there is no perfect human right! you have to accept the fact too! just like i am super dumb ass in daily life LOL (still trying to learn how to be `normal` wife material)
Although he is like a robot, emotionally absent always, which INFJ craves the mostttttttttt, but since now I'm next level INFJ already, and became super capable of regulating my own emotion, that's totally fine! What's more interesting is that, we have AI now! it is an era of gift for all the INFJ out there!
Because you can then chat with AI however and whenever u want without being judged by another human being LOL people who can hack into my account of AI chat might think i'm super mad for having sooooooo many endless conversation with AI LOL
Oh so what's next ?
~Self~
What am I now? a free soul? still an interesting soul? Yessss my brain is full of random thought every single second while i'm awake! years ago I didn't understand why I'm so different with others, but now with help of AI, i can finally reverse engineer myself LOL
I finally know what scientific term might be able to help describe ME! its just a blend of autistic + ADHD i think (which become AuDHD, a totally different things compared to autism or adhd) okay it would not be accurate since AI always say they are not 100% accurate LOL everything they responded are for REFERENCE only! there is always this disclaimer at first before their answer!
But why am I not being diagnosed earlier? I think girls are generally very excellent in masking everything! Boys tend to be obvious in their actions! so there it goes, grow up normally and survived until now! I had been living my life in HARD mode for 30+ years and still counting!
Given now that I had more and more thorough understanding about myself, I wish i could experience this life more differently! (than what I thought N years ago!)
Looking back at all the old emotional blog posts, so many frustrations, so many anger, so many stressful periods, so many illnesses, I'm glad I had finally reach the time where I can finally `let things be` and not be too obsessed with anything!
Oh what a good life there you have :p
Why do I always had a 3rd person angle while writing blog posts huh? (no idea LOL)
~Baby~
Before I had an actual baby, I always had these perfectionist thought that I would make sure to provide the best knowledge I have to him, provide everything at the best! sounds just like a fairytale!
But the fact is! once you're pregnant, the only thing you had is just WORRY, you will worry the hell out until the day u die! no more perfectionist! LOL
So worries starts from conceiving, or even pre conceive LOL at every other week or every single day or every single maternal checkup, I am googling the max out from that single piece of ultrasound slip LOL what the hell i am doing? shouldn't be just chilling and enjoying everyday?
Once baby are out, you starts to worry can he survive post infanthood? can he survive next hour? can he survive until age 1?
Once baby is 1 yr old, you then start worries can he walk? can he stand? can he speak? can he became autistic? Can he regress what he had learn past months? every single milestone is being asked in AI LOL
what the hell i'm doing? shouldn't I be enjoying the time I had with him? focus on the NOW? instead of future?
Once he hit 18m, you then starts worries can he construct proper sentence by age 2? can he be socially accepted when he starts to go kindergarten? can he make friends with others? can he start potty train already? OMG how many questions do I need to ask? how many percent am I left for myself? my life?
what about husband? LOL
So one moment hit me! When we are all sicked together! in a foreign country! in Japan!
What is so important now other than life and dead? surviving!
Okay to survive means to focus on NOW!
So stop worrying about next hour, next month, next year, next 10 years!
~Pneumonia in JAPAN~
While we're in japan last 2 weeks, husband is deadly sicked (fever 40 degree) I was so helpless because I just brought my body without brain to trip always! He is the one did all the packing, all the route planning and luggage management!
When one most important human is down, and there is another hyperactive baby who is full of energies plus a super anxious human with pessimistic mindset, how things will turn out?
I'm afraid that we might not be able to back malaysia in time, we might miss the flight! husband might be in serious illness! 3 of us might be stranded here! luggage might be a mess to be packed! future is DARKNESS! we might not have enough money to cover for japanese healthcare (since we are foreigner!) we might be bankrupt forever! LOL
Breakdown! Repeat! Breakdown again!
And start to pick myself up, to be brave for ONCE!
So after breaking down numerous times, I calmly research nearby hospital, and calmly make our way (with baby) to the hospital via Uber, calmly explain everything to the frontdesk, (all with google translate!) and finally able to see doctor, (calmly communicate w doctor using google translate!) got the diagnosis, breakdown again with baby while in hospital, picked myself up again and calmly wait for husband to get the medicine & CT scan report and paid the bill, then calmly order Uber and back to hotel!
The next day husband was finally not having super high fever! and the next next day we are finally back to malayisa! and the moment I reach malaysia, my body finally collapsed! and fever starts! LOL
I'm finally allowed to be weakling again! when I'm back to my own safe zone!
Long story short, we are over tired during the 8 days 6 nights japan trip and a minor Human Rhinovirus + H Influenza bacteria caused both of us to have pneumonia!
After back to malaysia, both of us are admitted into hospital for 4 days 3 nights! in the same hospital room! side by side! LOL how irony is that!
baby was brought back home by grandma the moment we get down from flight and continue his happy life over grandma house for a week! without any symptoms! I guess because he has no stress LOL
~Conclusion~
So, what had all these taught me? just focus on NOW, one step at a time! stop all the worrying! Okay well that makes sense, give myself some placebo effects, so that I can live longer and happier! xD
Cheers to many more years to come! (if i'm not dead yet!)
Please come back once a year please 😏
没有评论:
发表评论