It's me again 👀

Yoyoyo, I am back again after 1 year 1 month plus 😆
soooooo... how is everything so far?
2020 is a terrible year for most of the human..
but it is definitely a huge change for everything.. hmm..😌
---
eg. work from home is no longer a dream.. 
but a disaster also? LOL 😵
initially we thought work from home must be fun..
who know it further demonstrate the workaholic ability.. 😰
especially for the perfectionist like me.. ">__<"

imagine working from morning until midnight 12am (in the same room)
and yes I still haven't change job 😌
although it has been a ultra stressful year for me.. 😅 (or maybe not ultra? just normal?😳)
okay work is over.. as long as still not dead yet ~ 😌
---
how about life? 😳
have i found my purpose in life? 😵
nooo... i am still as confused as before.. 😵
not knowing what I want or what is my purpose 😰
do human really need purpose in life? 😕
what's for to be alive if there is no purpose? 😵
if watch youtube enough, then can know the answer LOL
"find your confidence, then you will find your purpose!" 😌 (from donno which youtuber)
but where to find my confidence? coding? 😳
---
oh ya.. i changed my car!
小黄 is gone 😫 and replaced by 小白.. ✌
my thought is to change car every 5 years..(y so waste?) 😵
this year is the 5th year & so i changed 😳
bcoz people say after 5 yrs car will start to have problem..
& i am afraid to maintain car outside of original factory >__<
so what is the next potential car after 5 years? back to Axia? 😅
---
and yes, we bought another house 😳
is it a decision made wisely? (not sure..😰)
is it a impulse decision? (yes for me..😅)
is there a risk? (😳 maybe.. but hope not)
is the location strategic? (quite.. 😗)
is the pricing reasonable? (😳 reasonable before covid, maybe not after covid?)
can we afford total of X houses in coming future? (😵 hopefully)

but wait... what if we are not together anymore? 😳
what if he end up choosing another girl? (imaginative one? LOL😳)
choi choi choi.. don always so pessimistic okay 😌 (although i am..)
okay let's be serious.. even if the worst case happen.. 
we will just go through the flow as it come then.. 😢
wait for the house to finish construction at 2025 and sell it?
there will always be a solution i believe 😗
---
how about our relationship? 👫
has it grow stronger? (i hope yes 😌)
has it became stable? (i think yes..? 😳)
has it already ready to move on to next stage? (i think not..😅)
but has it already provide me the affirmation that he is the one? (i think so..😗)
bla bla bla this is just my one sided story anyways 😌
and even after 9th years, i still cannot know what is inside his mind 😗
i think i will never understand him 😆
nvm, i will try again 😗💪 (if only there is a life time for me to try 😆)
---
how about myself? let's have some reflection..
- did i already become matured? 😳 (i think yes.. in some cases..😌)
- did i already capable of handling stress? (maybe...? 😆 since i haven't change job LOL)
- did i finally grow up? 😆 (i hope so... 😎 not so dependent anymore can consider?)
- did i learn to save money? (nooo.. i will never achieve this.. 😟😟)
- did i gain weight? (yesss... become fatty soon 😭)
- did i do something i will never do previously? (yessss... i started to have hamster as pet!😎)
- did i excel in my skill? (no.. not much improvement this year..😟)
- what did i learnt this year? 😵 (i am getting old 😆😅)
- what i want to do next year? (get a kid? LOL? 😰 i hope i am kidding 😆, it is never easy to become parent anyways 😗.. okay get a new hobby maybe 😌)
yay end of update ~ stay tune next year! 😆😆

from 🧸

Just to update myself 🎃

yay fast forward to another year in life 🎃
it has been almost 1 year since my last post 🤭
reading blog feels like experiencing one’s life in fast pace 😂

okay how’s life after that? hmm...👀
changed my job 🧸
moved into new house (my own house 😍)
grew up ? lols 🤡 (ridiculous lols)
learnt to wash toilet 😳 (isn’t it....)
learnt to eat on time 🤭 (shouldn’t u already...)
learnt to eat alone and enjoy alone 🤐 (opps..)
learnt to take lrt happily 🙀 (why not happy...)
learnt to fill my own time fully 🤡

why sound like a after-broke-up-change? 👀
yes indeed 🤭 that tragedy really turn me upside down 🙃
but we are still together yay 🤪

not sure how long it will last 👵
not sure what is your thought either 💁‍♀️ (still cnt understand u after 8 yrs 😂)
not pushing anything 🙅‍♀️
and live like there’s no tomorrow 💃

how did i made the change above? 🧐
because one day i read somewhere on the net 🤨 (trusted source?)
it says “life is meant to be lonely, u came alone and you will go alone as well”
that sentence just strike me in the head 🤯

and thus i learnt the fact that i am lonely (feels lonely) and thats totally alright 😢
everyone else is the same though...(feels lonely to the point that we think no one will understand)
even if we have family / friends / lover, you still need to be alone to face most of the things 🥺
harsh truth 😟 but i finally learnt it 😏

yay congrats 🥳
you just had your second puberty 😂

my mind cant stop spinning whenever i am conscious
is like thousand of what why how when who is going on every minute 🤪
(and i literally google that random question that pop out every time)
seems like a gift to be curious at everything (bill gates also curious in everything LOL)
but at the same time also a curse to myself 😔

i can go very deep into just 1 question.. and stucked for a very long period of time until i get out 🥺
when deal w people i just control myself to not ask so many questions lol
but when i am alone my brain is at mad 🤪
that makes me a very emotional person.. 😔

example:
why i need to grow up?
- then turned into...
- why grow up is so cruel,
- why i cant be a little girl stick beside my mum anymore?
- why i go to work alone everyday?
- why i have to find food myself?
- how come the road to work is taking 1 hour plus?
- why is everyone looking at their phone on train?
- why are the people keep pushing me on train?
- should i buy some cereal in groceries store?
- am i going to be in the dark and silence when i die?
- how am i gonna live my life when my mum is no longer in the world?
- what will i do in 30 yrs time?
- will i still be with him?
- will i ever have kids?
- should i change job?
- should i get a new car or house?

so many random questions pop out at the same time 🤯
i wonder how is other people brain works.. 😔
did they just think of nothing while swiping phone?
or did they just live at the moment and don ask the brain so many questions 🤨

my brain should have hated me by now 🤩

good luck brain 🤓

from 🧸

It's me 😳

Today is just a normal day 🙃
Why I have not written anything after broke up? 😿
Because I scared it will happen any time.. now or coming months...

Yes we got back together..
You said for one last time...
If it is really not working out..
Then we're done.. 😭

Okay stories go like this..
We broke up and got back the next day after went through hell of crying...
And still continue crying silently for next couple of days
Plus weeks of thinking whether I have made a right choice..  🙃 (Because the 'get bck tgt' moment I'm not in calm mode, the finger act faster than brain without processing)

And yes.. After thorough consideration I have already appointed you as my first and last no matter the breakup happen again or not.. (Opps.. isnt it always that case? 😳)

And I have finally see through the relationship thingy.. I am not wanting for result anymore..(eg marriage, kids or future) I value more on the process now 😌

As long as we have experienced it.. There's no more regret if we didnt make it at the end.. 😿 There's only sadness 😳

Btw the heartbreak is real hurt.. I still cant forget the feeling.. and I tear automatically every time I thought of that moment. or when I sing the song 'Remember when' while driving to office (That's the song playing at the breakup day) 🙈

I wish I would not experience this anymore.. But life always throw lemon at us..so no choice but just deal with it accordingly.. 😿

So.. 1 sentence to describe my current situation? 'Live like there's no tomorrow'.. Try my best to nurture our small ship (relation) and hope it grow up stronger 🙃

They once said relationship will get stronger if u hv experienced breakup.. but there's another saying as well which is those who broke up will still breakup at the end.. 😳 I think it really depends on fate then.. 😿

Lets hope for the best 😏

From 🐻

the end of us.. 😭

today mark the end of our 6 yrs plus relationship.. 😭

my feeling is more than sad.. i cannot describe it.. i felt both of us hurts so deep... even u are the one who initiated..

i cant fall asleep even i did not think anything..
the thing that i afraid since the initial phase of relationship finally happens..

we have no fate.. 😭
we are destined to passed by each other...

tomorrow onwards i will lost u forever...
i cant get close to u anymore..
i cant hold ur hand..
i cant declare ownership..
i cant smell u...
i cant have future w u...
kai xuan is not happening..😭

i look thru the windows..
i see emptiness...

my heart is kosong now..

whats inside of me.. 😭

my tears dried and wet for N times repeatedly..

but growing up means life still goes on no matter what happened..

i still have to go to office tomorrow..
with my broken into pieces heart..
and a shell without soul..

life goes on..
sadness stay..
insomnia starts..

sad for no reason..

its 4am right now..
im actually very tired & hungry..
bugs cannot be fixed & so do i..
the moment i lie on the bed..
my tear started to roll..
why? for no reason..

tomorrow is working day!
and wat r u doing right now?
Y_Y seems like an emotional day..
is it bcoz of stress?
i have no idea...

just burst into tears when thought of mummy...😭

macam baby girl.. 😢
how i wish i am still a kid..
who can enjoy protection from her..
no matter what happen i feel safe.. 😭

i am not ready to be adult yet 😭
but all of us forced to grow..

with great power comes great responsibility..
i m just not ready...😢

i feel insecure...
and lonely..
in this big big world.. 😞

it's me again..

is this our final destination?
i can't stop crying...
i always know i will lost u someday..
i just cannot predict it was yesterday..

you said not to meet for weeks..
i think it is just another way to let me get used to life without you..

i know we will end someday..
but it is still so damn hurt..
i know time will cure..
but how i stop crying now..
how i going to work professionally next week..

i always love u no matter how u treated me..
but i know i am just not your girl..
i am not great enough for you to make a change in your mindset..
no matter how hard i try.. and how hard u try.. (i know u were trying..)

i am just too sad.. but i will take care.. no worries

Its me again :p

yo.. i am back ~
still the little kid @@
who talk with bears always :3
is that call childish?

不知不觉我已经24岁 @@
为什么感觉好像很老了 😣
男生永远不了解。。
因为他们越老越成熟 🙄
而且还越吃香tim~

所以大多数都是女生紧张
男生就过一天算一天😏
计划呢? 没有。。@@
囧境来了 o(╯□╰)o

====剧透 spoiler，自己看着办====
看了By My Side之后发现
里面的男女状况和我们的很接近
女生不能接受远距离 #_# (你都还近距离 LOL)
她只想在本地安安稳稳做工结婚生子
男生却还有他未完成的梦想 (深造，学习) @@
要去外国生活，读书。。完全没有两个人的plan
两个互不退让。。🙁
最后女生放弃了，也嫁人了😣
青梅竹马/初恋 瞬间消失 ☹

回想下自己。。
想想接下来会不会就如此了 😢

不过我才是那个想要出国的 @@
也是那个想快点成家的 @@ (超级矛盾😆)

可是出了就没了 😢 (看戏后遗症😂😂)
不出就永远stuck在自己的安乐窝 🙁
这可是我小心翼翼维护了6年的东西 😣

专家说，既然开始了，就得坚持下去🤤
想放弃的时候 就想想当初为了什么而坚持到现在☹

我们有过无数次的谈话。。🙁
可是没有一次是有结果的 @@
我们对未来的想法差距太大🙁
也不知要怎么去拿到那个平衡点😂
所以每次都不了了之😢

男生肯定一下就忘了谈话内容😆
女生就一直耿耿于怀🙁
因为女生是感性的，好像电影里面那样
她慢慢发现他们完全是不同世界的人
对未来/想要的 都有不同的想法
所以就算多么的伤心 😢
也会忍痛放手 @@

因为女生不能骗自己会和对方一直到最后 😣
因为其实直觉已经告诉她答案了 😢

所以呢，为什么我们还可以坚持下来?
因为我还没尽全力 🙁
我不要就这样放弃6年的心血😢
你说 坏了要修 不是丢 😣
我们一直都在尝试 fixing @@
虽然外人看来是在拖拖拉拉 😣

我相信真爱一定是必经磨练和波折的!
所以我从来都不会说出那个不能说的话 😣
就算有人建议放弃😏

======我是分割线=====
话说回来，我到底要出国吗? ☹
好像戏里的男生
出国是从小的梦想@@
想必我也是吧 😣

可是出国意味着
增加分开的机率 😢
因为我不可以接受远距离@@
加上你每次都很"忙" @@
一定会更加严重 😢

留在这里等成家吗?🙁
可是那个一直都是未知数😢
这个就是女生所谓的"没有安全感"?😣
看不到你策划的未来🙁
也看不到你的未来到底有没有我😢

不知为何从刚开始pakto到现在
都一直觉得没有安全感，
不知几时会突然被飞 🙁
还是不知几时自己会放弃😢

我又应该怎么做? ☹

my sleepless night ~

明天起身又是一只好Bear!

O.O I'm Back ！！

低潮期过完了~ lalala ~

hmmm.. so what happened? o.O

nothing big actually xD

new year new job lalala ~

YEAP, NEW JOB !

hmm.. actually my plan is not that soon ~

my initial plan is to change after Taiwan trip O.O

opps what is that? hmm.. yo our first foreign Trip !! 

LOL.. seems like missing a lot of thing in this blog xD

hahaha.. didn't think of record all these precious moment ~

ok let's back to the main topic !

since i was being stressed until mad, 

the best solution was to change ! lalala ~

but I didn't actually open up my resume..

just so ngam that a few company approach me..

so I just give them a try :p

and I have took 6 days leaves within CNY period,

why waste it and slack in home? LOL 

so just take that opportunity to meetup xD

had tried around 4 and found out i super like 1 of them !

then so happy they offer me too.. xD

so I went to talk w boss O.O

that was my first time in life !!

i feel so gan jiong lols..  to tender ">__<"

after going into the boss room for 11 mins (someone count for me LOL?)

and there it goes !! I said I would like to stay until end of March

to help with the transition period and hand over ~

bcoz the skills is still new and not easy to hire ppl o.o

so I sent the email and forward to HR and tada ~

that's all for my life first permanent job ~

hmmm...questions come..

don't u think here is the most suitable place?

in terms of location (near to bf <3)

the office environment (big table + monitor + space)

friendly human xDDDD

job scope match with my skillset (but not timeline!)

and distance to my current house O.O

so why still leaving? ">__<"

hmmm... that's PnC lalalalala ~

LOL.. then why bullshit so much ?

lalala I like it xD 

---------------------------------------

okay next topic !

our first Foreign Trip !!!

so how it all started? O.O

hmm.. it all comes with 冲动 and Passion

one day, i saw "oppa sharing 【歐爸 旅游 分享站】"

post the promotion of AirAsia flight ticket..

then I faster grab the opportunity and discuss w him <3

tada ~ we bought our flight ticket LOL

then we plan to wait until 2017 only plan the schedule ~

then just so ngam in festival we saw a booth ~

the ppl selling travel package to taiwan ~

actually their company sell Wedding Photo package ~

then now they offer Travel Package as well ~

after listen to explanation, we signed !!

feels like so 冲动 @@ lols

so, they will plan for our schedule, meal, hotel bla bla bla ~

we only have to choose the place we like / food we like?

hmm.. but still so worry about the reality ...

afraid everything will be different when we arrive taiwan LOL

hmm... but with faith in heart everything will be smooth ! LOL

then we also proceed to MidValley and exchange MYR for NTD

too bad the rate is dropped just after we change the money !!!

ARGHHHHH.. however, it rises again ~_~

yo.. that's all for our first trip xD...

hope it is a smooth one !

----------------------------------------

hmm.. seems like i forget to mention about my house 

O.O I have a house ? O.O O.O O.O

this blog is really out dated LOLLL

yeap, I have my first HOUSE !!!!!! 

At the age of 23 !!! O.O 232323232323 LOLLLL

ofcourse that's with the help of mum (Mum is best !)

from april 2016 to july/august 2016.. 

i'm super busy with the housing things ~

keep on research & research & research

and lastly I got my first house hehe..

under my name O.O 

the procedure of purchasing a house is not simple ">__<"

have to gone through a lot of up and down ~

supportive and unsupportive comments ~

afraid of getting cheated ~

afriad of cannot afford the installment ~

afraid of bank not approve loan ~

afraid of developer cannot finish build my house TT

afraid of future moving in issue ~

afraid of future husband issue ~ 

bla bla bla ~ 

so far I only encountered half of the issue ~

how about the rest ? hmm.. when the day arrive, it will resolve LOL

so how it goes ? initially ofcourse started by searching for houses 

have to search for house with low price, not too far like kajang ~

not old ~ with 3 rooms ~ with 2 bath ~ size doesn't matter to us :p

mum say smaller is cheaper and better for cleaning LOL

then tada ~ I found the house I bought !!

the agent share on FB and ask us to leave our email..

then they email us the details of the house..

so I ask mum to call them for enquire ~

then we went to sales gallery to have a look ~

then O.O placed order !!

then have a intermediate person help to apply for bank loan on my behalf ~

then wait for bank to examine my DSR (debt service ratio?) hmm..

at last got 2 bank approved, with the rate or 4.5% and 4.45%

ofcouse choose the lowest LOL.. 

but the intermediate person force mi to take house insurance..

else cannot get 4.45% lol.. then take lo..

signed the Letter of Offer for that bank ~

after that another insurance agent says no nid to take wor..

so end up didn't take the house insurance and still get 4.45% :p

so everything settle in 1 day, went to sales gallery to sign 

Loan Agreement, Sales and Purchase Agreement ~ sign until hand drop LOL

and pay the rest of the upfront money ~

and there it goes !! settled everything and wait for VP of the house

hmm... it should be completed by end of 2018 ~ lalala

let's wait for new house !!! xDDD

----------------------------------------------

hmm.. so at the age of 25

I will be staying in my own house,

driving my own car,

using my own money :p

the end of my life? o.o

1 more thing ! baby ! LOL

u slow slow wait la ~ haiz ~

lalala that's the end of story ~

stay tune ~

人生低潮期？颓废期？

O.O Why am I here?

I have no idea.. LOL..

Just want to release abit my super duper emo life ~

Why Emo? Bo idea ~

Perhaps I've never been so stressed before xD

Now a little bit of stress can drown me into the sea LOL

It makes me 看什么都不顺眼

It makes me feel like 生无可恋

It makes me jealous other people life

It makes me wanna xxx LOL

It makes me everyday also so lifeless 

It makes me lost every motivation towards life, love, work and etc ~

People excited about coming January's increment/bonus

I'm excited about nothing LOL

I'm living like a walking dead ~

Everyday wake up go work back home continue work

I always ask myself.. is that so? stress? really stress?

or just my thinking make myself stress? 

or just I cannot handle stress?

or there's no stress?

or I'm too noob to manage all of it?

Whatever i think it is ~

I'm just living like pass 1 day is 1 day LOL

Where is my dream?

Where is my passion?

Passion for work? Passion for Love?

None.. None also..

You said I always complaining ~

Ya perhaps that's the only thing I can do xDDD

Why don't find a way to improve it?

Tell boss don't OT ? LOL

How about i cut down your salary? LOL

See.. Work already so sien.. 

How about relationship? o.O

5 yrs liao wor.. Not long not short also..

Argument? The impossible thing finally made possible

by me ? perhaps xD or my thinking causes it :p

Hmm.. no talking about past ~ coz u don't like it

How about future? o.O

Still the same.. unpredictable lols

Cannot feel secure.. (the stupid thinking)

I afraid I stress until say out things shouldn't be said 

I afraid I ended it accidentally :p

I afraid the next day I wake up and I regret what I said ytd 

I afraid it just gone suddenly like let's say today or tomorrow 

I'm really just passing 1 day is 1 day 

The initial thinking of "he is the one" already become blurred

coz I donno when will I lost it either by purpose or by accident 

or by my stupid thinking lols

What's the stupid thinking?

- always feel like he so tired when with me?

- always feel unfair whenever he give time to others instead of me?

- always feel imbalanced although already balanced?

- always feel i'm no priority although already a priority?

- always feel it's my problem but no way to release the emotion?

- always talk sarcastic when emo?

- always看不顺眼 whatever he do?

- always cry alone and cry so hard at night and on the bed?

- and last thing, always feel like he gonna fly me very soon :p

- and imagine the scene after being fly lols..

Then how can I survive until today without being mad? LOL

since there's so many crazy thinking inside there?

Here are the tipssssss 

-------------------------

1. Do not talk / talk less (when driving car in morning, or back home, or any other scenes). Or even see him online in facebook (DON'T TALK too much, coz it will lead to argument lols)

Why do not talk? Coz the more I talk, the more I find out more things and the more I feel imbalance.

Example: You say you're going for activity at coming what what day. (Reflected the sentence in heart = He's going to enjoy, and I have to go to work myself and eat myself and I back home have to suffer working again)

-------------------------

2. Spam code like a mad

Boss wanted to see result? So I gave him the results he wants LOL..  

When coding, it reduces my stupid thinking and put every shit get out of me

-------------------------

3. Treat every good/bad thing as nothing

Some good news happen, I will like "Oh, is that so? I see" that's all

Some bad news happen. I will like "Oh, as predicted.. just swallow it :p"

Feels like human without emotion? LOL bcoz nothing interests me anymore

-------------------------

4. Pass 1 day is 1 day

Since nothing I can do about my life at the moment.. 

Then just pass 1 day is 1 day LOL

-------------------------

So. I will still stick to the life of walking dead ~ :p

Towards the road to unknown future ~

What's unknown future? Like: 

after 1 year where am I working?

after 1 year are we still together?

after 1 year am I becoming a better person?

after 1 year is my career great enough to satisfy me?

after 1 year am I still facing a lot stress?

or I already capable of manage all of the stress?

or I already defeated by stress just like now?

There's no promising future, but with promising thinking comes greater future

LOL.. cincai created a sentence macam yes ~_~

So, the goal of 2017 is to change my thinking? 

hmmm.. let's see :p

tata

hmmm

perhaps life will be better without me :p